Insomnia.
3:39am, 2/22/11. Another restless night in my Irvine home, and another night where I desperately try to understand why the fuck do I constantly do this to myself. Sure, this winter coldness really doesn’t help, but that is no excuse. If there is one thing that is consistent with my college career, its that I suffer from some terrible insomnia. I can’t explain it. It goes beyond being an irresponsible college student that loves to Facebook and Tumble his way into the night. I probably have a serious problem. Maybe it’s because I love to sleep in after a fun night’s of nothingness, or maybe it’s because I’ve got a million thoughts racing for attention as I lay in bed.
It’s 3:46am as I begin drafting this post— hopefully my fear of speaking honestly and candidly will help me fall asleep. But for now, I’m no longer in my bed. Frustration of not being able to sleep and wasting more and more time doing nothing drove me out. I am now up, and I had just reorganized my room a bit. Hoorah! Productivity into the night. As I sit at my mighty throne, typing in my dimly-lit room, listening to slow jams on iTunes radio, I overanalyze about why I overanalyze my thoughts.
Oooh la la, now my brain is becoming self-aware? Paradox! Dream within a dream.
Sleeping aids seem to be ineffective nowadays. The 5-HTP gives me some relaxation, but ultimately wears away quickly. I think I’ll decide against taking another one right now.. probably a really good idea. Perhaps I’m just trying too hard to rationalize my inability to sleep, causing myself to become guilty and anxious by the very thing I’m trying to rationalize.
As the time becomes 4:06am, it becomes more and more evident how true the statement above is. I should probably just slip back into bed and accept that I will either fall asleep or stay awake. The longer I stay up whining to cyberspace about nothing, the more awake I become. Or maybe I should take advantage of this and start my homework thats due tomorrow? Or maybe I should fucking realize that I have a test in 6 hours and I should just get my ass to bed. In either case, I am now truly aware how many times I use the word “maybe.”
That is probably the reason I am up. Maybe.
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